Don't Let Shame Stop You, I Am Willing. Be Clean !

December 9, 2024

I found myself to have fallen into such a shameful act that it literally made me sick to my stomach. Immediately I began repenting asking the Lord to please forgive me, but I couldn’t shake off the shame. I couldn’t shake off the disgust that I felt. So much so that I couldn’t look up with confidence at Jesus in the Holy Eucharist. I wanted to trust the Lord's mercy knowing that He has already made provision for my weaknesses, and he is always ever ready to embrace us, but I couldn’t shake the disdain, guilt, and shame I felt from this sin.

I thought to myself, I understand how many others feel who struggle with guilt and shame for their sins, so much so that they can't approach Jesus. I have many I counsel who struggle with this. And if I can be honest that has never been an issue for me because, like a child, I just always run to Jesus, and he is always ever so sweet to embrace me. But this time I felt a strong barrier and not only that I felt physically unwell because of the guilt of this sin. I tried to work instead to get these feelings to wash over me so I could move on, but it just wouldn’t go away. I was sincerely contrite and repentant, but it just wouldn’t leave me. I knew I had to do my prayers early in the morning and even the thoughts bombarded me that my prayers no longer have any merit or power behind them because of my fall. As thoughts bombarded me that I had fallen so far from grace that the Lord wouldn’t hear my prayers, and even the demons would jump on me that night because of the open door that I gave—that Jesus was so far from me.

Immediately I thought I needed to go to confession, confession would make me feel clean again so that I would have the confidence to do my prayers in warfare prayers. So, I went to confession and bore my soul and didn't receive my absolution until the morning. I went ahead with my warfare prayers as I exposed Jesus in the Eucharist and would catch eyes with Him from time to time but not confidently looking straight at him because of this shame I still felt. Sure enough, I had a dream where the enemy came to attack as I thought he would. But I thought to myself, this is punishment because of my sin. I felt so distraught, guilty, and ashamed. I pulled a rhema, wondering, was this dream from the Lord as a revelation or was it from the enemy? I got the rhema,

persecution, sufferings, sneers, threats, entreaties, hunger, cold, flattery friendships adversaries, friends or enemies be it things I am experiencing now and things that I will come in the future or even the hatred of hell, nothing will deter me from doing the will of God.

I realized it was from the enemy. I even felt unworthy to do my Lord's Supper or receive Holy Communion. I decided to press in and receive Him anyway because, just the day before, I was encouraging one of our priests who was also struggling with guilt and had not come to the table to sit with Jesus for a while and receive. I told her that He was the medicine that she needed and it's the enemy of our soul that makes us neglect the food of angels because of distractions and most importantly because of our guilt—and that is where we are cleaned. How could I not take my own advice? So, I came humbly before the Lord still with my head bowed low, unable to confidently look at Him because I still felt the cloak of shame for my action.

During my Lord's Supper, Jesus gave me the readings that I truly needed. I was again the leper whom he had made clean because of His mercy and loving pity towards us His brides, even when we mess up. The first reading was Leviticus 13: 1-2, 45-46.

Regulations About Defiling Skin Diseases

13 The Lord said to Moses and Aaron, 2 “When anyone has a swelling or a rash or a shiny spot on their skin that may be a defiling skin disease¸ they must be brought to Aaron the priest or to one of his sons who is a priest. The man is diseased and is unclean. The priest shall pronounce him unclean because of the sore on his head.

45 “Anyone with such a defiling disease must wear torn clothes, let their hair be unkempt, cover the lower part of their face, and cry out, ‘Unclean! Unclean!’ 46 As long as they have the disease they remain unclean. They must live alone; they must live outside the camp.

After reading this I thought to myself, man, that rejection is so hard, Lord. I can't imagine how the lepers felt, the abandonment the shame and guilt they must have felt being separated from the community—and I am sure feeling separated from God. My Responsorial Psalm was

Psalm 32:1-2,5,11

Blessed is the one

whose transgressions are forgiven,

whose sins are covered.

Blessed is the one

whose sin the Lord does not count against them

and in whose spirit is no deceit.

Then I acknowledged my sin to you

and did not cover up my iniquity.

I said, “I will confess

my transgressions to the Lord.”

And you forgave

the guilt of my sin.

Rejoice in the Lord and be glad, you righteous.

Sing, all you who are upright in heart!

The last reading was the Gospel Mark 1:40-45

Jesus Heals a Man With Leprosy

40 A man with leprosy came to him and begged him on his knees, “If you are willing, you can make me clean.”

41 Jesus was indignant. He reached out his hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” he said. “Be clean!” 42 Immediately the leprosy left him, and he was cleansed.

43 Jesus sent him away at once with a strong warning: 44 “See that you don’t tell this to anyone. But go, show yourself to the priest and offer the sacrifices that Moses commanded for your cleansing, as a testimony to them.” 45 Instead he went out and began to talk freely, spreading the news. As a result, Jesus could no longer enter a town openly but stayed outside in lonely places. Yet the people still came to him.

When I read all my readings my eyes watered as I remembered the scene from “The Chosen” when the leper came to beg at Jesus' feet to heal him. The shame, guilt, and disgust of the disciples and how they looked at him. But the love, gentleness, and kindness that Jesus showed to approach him—getting on the floor to kneel with him, getting down on his level, and holding his face to look him in the eye to say that he was willing and to be clean. I cry every time I watch that scene and remembering it now, I realize that is me, that is you that is all of us when we have fallen short, which we do daily. Some days we feel the sting of our sin more than most, but it is the enemy of our soul that draws away with shame and guilt from Jesus—when He is always ready and willing in his loving kindness to have pity on us and to make us clean—only if we would but come to him.

So, after these readings, I thanked him for His mercy towards me. Now I rest assured fully that He has forgiven me. I can trust His mercy to approach, boldly, the throne of grace to receive all that He has for me.

I then felt prompted to get a reading from St. Faustina's book and rather confirmed all the sentiments in my heart that she would do the same thing. She begins:

One time I was in doubt as to whether what had happened to me seriously offended the Lord or not. As I could not solve this doubt, I made up  my mind not to go to Communion before first going to confession, although I immediately made an act of contrition as it is my habit to ask for forgiveness after the slightest transgression. During those days when I did not receive Holy Communion, I did not feel the presence of God. This caused me unspeakable pain, but I took it as a punishment for sin. However, at the time of Holy Confession, I was reproached for not going to Holy Communion because what had happened to me was not an obstacle to receiving Holy Communion. After confession, I received Holy Communion and I saw the Lord Jesus who said to me,

“Know, My daughter, that you caused Me more sorrow by not uniting yourself with Me in Holy Communion than you did by that small transgression”

Oh. my Jesus, I implore you by the goodness of Your most sweet Heart, let your anger diminish and show us your mercy. May your wounds be our shield against the Father's justice. I have come to know You, O God, as the source of mercy that vivifies and nourishes every soul. Oh, how great is the mercy of the Lord—it surpasses His other qualities. Mercy is the greatest attribute of God. Everything that surrounds me speaks to me of His Mercy. It is the life of souls; His compassion is inexhaustible. Oh Lord, look on and deal with us according to your countless mercies according—to Your great mercy!

That is so beautiful. Then the last excerpt on the page was the same rhema I got early that morning when I was feeling sick to my stomach in shame. She goes on to say,

Nothing will stop me any longer, persecution, suffering, sneers, threats entreaties hunger cold flattery friendships adversaries, friends or enemies be it things I am experiencing now or things that I will come in the future or even the hared of hell nothing will deter me from doing the will of God.

I smiled what confirmation. I share this because many of us fall so easily into a prison of guilt, condemnation, and shame that keeps us from having confidence in the Lord's mercy or worse, running away from Jesus. Even as a priest, running away from Holy Communion because of it. These are lies drafted by satan and his demons to keep us sick when the medicine we need is found in the presence of God where he can clean us, restore us, heal us, and redeem what we have lost. Confession is the first step to being free from the chains of shame because when you leave a confessional you are made clean. Your sins are wiped away, gone as far as the East is from the West to be remembered no more by Jesus nor by us. But satan has a way of keeping us in pits of condemnation reminding of us our sins, our shortcomings, our worthlessness, to keep us away from Jesus when we should remind him of the Lord's mercy which he never got a taste of and hates us because of it. Truly, indeed, Mercy is God's greatest attribute, and I love that it’s available to all men no matter the circumstance, no matter the status, age, and no matter sin. The mercy of God is available for all who would approach Him to seek and receive His mercy. He indeed will give it because He is always willing—and will make you clean.