Blind Spots and Sober Reality of My Sins

Hello, Brothers, Sisters, and Heartdwellers family. May the Lord give us the grace to see our blind spots, accept them, and then do something about them.

So the Lord exposed my cunning ways and my attachments still, to earthly things and pleasures. Since coming from India and getting the warning about being excessive in our charity towards others, to not go overboard so the recipient doesn’t also get attached to things. I then told myself, returning home, that I wouldn’t buy anything for myself.

I didn’t, and no one here bought me a Christmas gift as well, except that when my sister was coming from the US, I asked her to buy a few ─ or a list of items I felt I needed. I told her I would pay for it knowing in my heart she would say no and take care of it because that is what they always do. So I sent my list, then asked her for 3 dresses thinking the Lord would be okay with that and she decided she wanted to gift me with 10. When she arrived, she had a whole suitcase of things for me because my mom also bought me clothes and shoes for Christmas.

When she was here, I had a wonderful time with her but also found myself giving more and more allowances to the flesh. I was trying to fit in with all those around me and with the festivities, even in the way that I looked, which is all vanity.

So I kept getting Rhemas about holy poverty, and even from St. Francis of how I was called to be an example to others. I was so blinded by my pride, as I kept thinking, Lord I haven’t bought anything, I don’t get it.

Then I got it again after My beloved made a rather large purchase of healthy food that we didn’t discuss. I thought it was a bit excessive and I got Laziness, Obedience, and Freedom from Sin in The Bible Promise Book (BP). I asked the Lord if it was about the purchases and got,” Yes” … because I had pulled another Rhema card about holy poverty right before.

I was still so blinded, but now at peace that all of the Rhemas and readings were about him, not about me. Then today, during The Lord’s Supper, the Lord played a song from John Michael Talbot called, Change My Life and the lyrics were admonishing me about sinning against God as I thought, “How Lord, Me??”

Then again, I looked at different ways I haven’t had the best attitude and been lazy in certain things so I could see several sins but couldn’t pinpoint which one. Then I got the Rhema in “The Imitation of Mary” about Voluntary Poverty, again. Then, my Lord’s Supper readings were about the Lord chiding the religious leaders for not practicing what they preach. Oh boy, I was definitely in the doghouse. I kept thinking, Lord how, I haven’t bought anything for myself.

I pulled a Rhema from my card deck and it was,

Philippians 4:1, Stand firm in the Lord, my beloved”, St. Paul cloud of witnesses.

When I looked up the verse online, standing alone, it didn’t make sense to me until I felt led to read the chapter before as I wondered what is Apostle Paul asking me to stand firm in. The title of Philippians Chapter 3 is Having No Confidence in the Flesh. Oooh, as I read the chapter I cringed as it all came together, my sin and the error of my ways.

Then I went to the Lord again asking if I should get rid of the clothes and things I got, and this time got, Joy. I found myself a bit confused because I had asked twice before and kept getting “No” and now a “Yes” when it all came to me that this was a test.

I was so attached to what I wanted to keep, although knowing the right thing to do was to give it away, but deflected my readings and Rhemas onto someone else, even though in my conscience there was a prick about my own shortcomings as well.

Furthermore, I manipulated the situation to get my way ─ asking my relatives to make the purchases for me, so as to not stain my hands with the sin of avarice and making excuses of, “Well I didn’t buy it, it was a gift”. I’m a hot mess, truly ─ this was calculated. We thank the Lord for His mercy. If he can still deal with me then he can do the same for you.

This is Philippians Chapter 3. It reads:

Therefore brothers and sisters rejoice in the Lord! It is no trouble for me to write the same things to you again, and it is a safeguard for you. Watch out for those dogs, those evildoers, those mutilators of the flesh.

As an aside, many times we can read this or think these are about unbelievers or those who are bound by a religious spirit, through works in the flesh. But reading this chapter as a Rhema word, the Lord brought revelation to my situation ─ warning us of demons that come to suggest, entice cause us to mutilate our flesh with worldly pleasures.

As Verse 3 continues,

For it is we who are the circumcision, we who serve God by his Spirit, who boast in Christ Jesus, and who put no confidence in the flesh— 4 though I, myself, have reasons for such confidence.

So Apostle Paul is exhorting us to serve God by his spirit not in our flesh.

If someone else thinks they have reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: 5 circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; 6 as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for righteousness based on the law, faultless.

7 But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8 What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ —the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith.

Here he continues that everything, I mean everything, is garbage. The vanities of this world, pleasures, and attachments to how we look, clothes, our influence, money, and comfortability ─ it means nothing compared to Jesus.

10 I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11 and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.

In verses 10-11, he is calling us to die to the flesh, be dead completely, and embrace the sufferings of Christ ─ which means to embrace every trial, heartache, inconvenience, contradiction, pain, or persecution. But sometimes that means privation being deprived of something that you desire. Because these are means by which we participate in his sufferings ─ then we also may participate in his resurrection when he comes for us, His brides. Verse 12 to 14 says,

12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

In Verses 12,13 and 14, Apostle Paul is urging us to press on towards the mark. I remember on the mountain, for those who know me, I was a stickler for anything pleasurable or comfortable. I was very disciplined by the grace of God, in voluntary poverty, even to the point I still get made fun of by some who call me stingy because I am always asking the cost of things or checking prices to make sure I am in budget. I had only two habits, one pair of shoes, one pair of socks and kept my sleepwear to two, maximum, because that was the rule of the Franciscan Order and I wanted to live it and be an example as Jesus was calling me to be. I found much freedom living that way. We only bought food once it was out and didn’t stock up on items.

As St. Francis would always remind me,

“Take less than necessary and don’t steal from the poor” ….

I had learned to give lavishly to the poor but not to give anything to myself. I was walking in that faithfully until I got married, came to Ghana, and had to adjust to no longer living a religious life and having a husband who lived also in the world. It’s been a real cross for me but I also,have the responsibility, with my personal items, to try my best to live in the spirit of a religious life by living simply. But I lost my way and began to get more and more comfortable settled in the world and little by little living like those in it. I need to press on again, take hold of the vows I made and the calling, and run heavenward to obtain the prize. Verses 3:15-21,

Following Paul’s Example

15 All of us, then, who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently that too, God will make clear to you. 16 Only let us live up to what we have already attained.

17 Join together in following my example, brothers and sisters, and just as you have us as a model, keep your eyes on those who live as we do. 18 For, as I have often told you before and now tell you again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. 19 Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is set on earthly things. 20 But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, 21 who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.

And 4:1

Philippians 4:1 Therefore, my brothers and sisters, you whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, stand firm in the Lord in this way, dear friends!

So, now I understand the Rhema. I believe as I share this, this message is not just for me but for you as well. We have been called, now chosen as Heartdwellers to live in this way of simplicity, brotherly love, and holy poverty for the Lord. We all began on fire when we were called but, are there some areas you can be honest with yourself that you have let go of? Are you giving yourself allowances? Excuses even to justify purchases, going places, dressing a certain way, eating nice food when you are called to abstain or fast? Like me, I love cream, (sorry, Lord). Being led by your belly or being so attached to earthly things, you have forgotten your heavenly citizenship ─ to look heavenward and live for the things above rather than the things below.

Well, this was a sobering assessment of where I had fallen to, and [how I] used the graces God gave me, on myself and nature rather than using it to cooperate with him to grow in virtue and personal holiness. Pray for me, family, for the grace to cooperate with Jesus and embrace my vocation wholeheartedly that even though I am in the world I won’t be of this world, as I pray all of you to do the same.

God bless you until the next message.