Church Wounds Resurfaced

Hello brothers, sisters, and Heartdwellers family, this was day four of the Consecration Prayer Camp and we were on break. I went to sit in the car to get some silence and to hear from Jesus. At first, I didn’t hear anything but the issues of my heart came to my mind. We have been learning about circumcising our heart, purifying it before the Lord and I was starting to see some seeds in my heart coming to the surface. I came before the Lord asking, Jesus, what’s on your heart?

But then I began to repent of the issues in my heart instead.

I found myself having the desire to be pointed out as if that confirmed my call and who I am in Christ. I found myself even jealous of another who seemed to be getting attention and making herself a spectacle at times. Once as the pastor was praying for people I felt led that I should ask his wife to pray for me. There was such a long line and she had just prayed for someone, I turned and there was that lady pointed out by the pastor’s wife so she could pray for her. I was annoyed. I went to get my turn but she made it clear she wasn’t praying for everyone as another lady arrived there before I did and wanted her to pray. So I no longer went up to her because I didn’t want to be turned away. The one who got prayed for was a beautiful woman and had a beautiful voice. Then I noticed the pastors taking notice as she put herself out there. I am sure the Pastor’s wife was led by the Holy Spirit in all of this. Again, it exposed the jealousy in my heart. Then there was a young man we met, very nice and handsome. The first thought that came to my mind [was] to connect him with a sister in Christ of mine who is single. I know, guys, I’m a hot mess. Then I noticed he was rather showing interest to another young lady here at the camp—jealousy pricked my heart. I know, guys, I know….

Then I noticed people connecting themselves to others because of their ministries—or could be the Holy Spirit connecting people, (look at me judging). But It reminded me of the old church events I came from where it seemed to be a networking opportunity but for ministry. And if you didnt look the part or have major spiritual gifts, you were overlooked. I was always the overlooked one and there was something in me that desired to be sought after. Something in me that wanted people to realize, “Do you not know who I am, and what I am called to do?” Pride, pride, pride. My goodness. It was a small seed in my heart but, if I can be honest, it was there.

Then I sent a message to one of the church protocols. They had been really helpful in answering my questions and helping us to get to Uganda. However, this time around they had seen my message but just ignored it. I was sure they were so busy with the event but there was again a seed in my heart that said, “Oh, it’s because you’re not important to respond to”. I saw them later on and had the courage to approach them, although my flesh wanted to lick wounds of rejection, and my pride wanted to say, “I don’t need to chase after anyone”. I know, guys, I know I’m a hot mess. But I needed the questions answered and sure enough they; were very kind and answered them. Once again it was me and my wounds that judged.

As the Lord is telling me that public ministry is coming in the near future, I wonder Lord, I am a mess inside, can I do this? More importantly, it’s dangerous out there in public ministry. Being hidden, nothing, nobody—I don’t have these battles. But being put in that environment I see all of this rise up in me. Eeek and it’s so ugly and nasty. Lord, I came here not sure why, and although deliverance is taking place and breakthrough, I ask that you would clean me and heal my heart. Purify me, Lord, that I wouldn’t desire any of this. I truly would be a dead body—a vessel being used by you and nothing else—not showing partiality, not wanting to be seen, and not seeking for ministry connections. But just to do the will of God.

Lord, heal me from the inside out.

Funny enough, the pastor before our break, spoke about deep wounds of rejection and abandonment and how the Lord wanted to heal those wounds because we have become wounded soldiers. I went to the altar asking the Lord to heal me of these wounds from my marriage. But now, as I write this, I realize I have all of these issues from church hurt—when I did ministry in my choir and was a volunteer at the welcome desk of my former church before I was asked to step down because of Still Small Voice Ministry—because of Heartdwellers. When I was overlooked because it didn’t seem I had any gifts or really fit in. When I was dismissed because I wasn’t part of the clique. When I was rejected and another was chosen instead of me. Wow, Lord, I thought I was healed from these wounds so long ago. Now, being here, they all have come up.

I realized that it’s the badly dressed, the poor, and those who don’t speak English well, who are overlooked. These little ,little lilies who, sometimes, have the greatest hidden ministry. Lord help me to be always reminded of that—that they aren’t forgotten—whenever you decide to put me in the limelight, that I will blend in right with them. Lord, this can only happen by your grace. Help me.

Jesus began,

“These things, Beloved, I am bringing up so as to purge and cleanse you. It all comes down to pride. Wanting to be something or someone and seeking man’s approval in any way. Seeking man’s acceptance.”

Lord, I thought honestly I was rid of all of this.

Jesus continued,

“Remember, Beloved, there are layers, I heal you in layers. I do surgical work in your soul in layers. From where I am taking you and Heartdwellers, you must go much lower. Yes, I am bringing divine connections with the work I have entrusted to you but you must be very careful of posturing in any way or desiring that in your heart. You look to Me, be obedient to Me, and love your hidden life and I will bring men to you not because of your personality or even the words you speak but rather they see Me through you. They hear Me you, Beloved.

“Indeed, I will use Heartdwellers to reach the world—to prepare My brides to be the glorious church without spot or blemish. Thank you for being so transparent and open about these weaknesses. This will bless many to be honest with themselves. These are some of the factors of public ministry and even the religious life. Everyone goes through these things—thoughts and thoughts in their heart but many are not courageous enough to confess them. Although being God, I made Myself of no equality to My Father. But rather laid Myself down as a humble servant—to love, serve, and save My creation. Through lowliness was this accomplished and through lowliness will the work I have called you to and all My brides, be accomplished. Remember the message of the cross, the true gospel, is not popular or living out what you teach. Many will reject you solely on the fact that you pray with My Mother in the Rosary—that you teach about the Cloud of Witnesses and their intercession. It is fear that will stop them from going any further. And that is okay, Beloved.”

And as an aside, guys, it’s so cool—Pastor James Kawalya mentioned that this is the time for the Cloud of Witnesses—to be taught about the Cloud of Witnesses. So, I’m excited to see what he has to say concerning them. Now back to the message..

Jesus continued

“There will be some whom, you will be pleasantly surprised, will know you by your spirit and not your doctrine. Because they are rooted deeply in My love and much closer in union with My Spirit, that will not matter, they will catch the vision and help this work to come to fruition.

Another aside; I met one or two people who were really interested in the mission, in Ghana and the City of God. If I can be honest, I had—fear—honestly, fear of rejection and fear of reproach when they found out I am Franciscan. (I mentioned it to them but they didn’t understand what that was). When they found out im a Franciscan, and of course about the Rosary and the Blessed Sacrament, the chapel—I just felt in my heart like, ‘Oh I don’t want to go through that. Maybe it’s just better not to say anything.’ So, guys, pray for me.

“Mother Theresa touched the lives of unbelievers and believers alike and across all denominations, because she preached Me, she lived Me, and she loved Me. And the fruit was enough that many saw the authenticity in the work and ministry I gave her—and that will be the same for you and those I call to help with this work and community. Don’t ever seek an audience before men, seek My face Beloved you have an audience before all of heaven every single day. You and all My brides are loved and known in heaven. Before the great halls of faith in heaven, many of your names are there—as the saints who have passed on come to admire My masterpiece and master plan in you. Although your story is still being written, they stand in awe at My wisdom and pray fervently and daily for you My brides, in anticipation of your homecoming—and more importantly the great impact you will make on earth because they see your end. They see the great work, gifts, and anointings you have been given and how the greater works are reserved for you. You are praised, honored, valued, and loved in heaven, My beloved ones. So do not allow the wounds of rejection of men to injure you so much that it cripples you. Do not, My beloved brides. I went through the pain of rejection Myself and obtained the grace for you to endure, persevere through it, and love those who dont know any better. For many of you, it’s for your own protection that I have hidden you—called you to littleness and nobodies of this world because the praise of man, a platform at the wrong time would destroy you, and you could likely even lose your soul. I want you all to Myself like hidden violets that everyone tramples on but are beautiful, colorful, and give off the sweetest fragrance when crushed.

“My beloved little one, I am healing these injuries even now as you write. Pray for me to guard your heart, and keep your eyes on Me. Even when you see men do not see them but see Me in them and appreciate the degree to which you see Me in a soul with the eyes of your heart, not with your carnal eyes. Then you will pass through these tests more and more with ease because it will not be the last you will be tempted with these thoughts.

That was the end of Jesus’ message

Lord, let the fire of your love, the love of the gospel, and commitment to holy evangelical poverty anchor me. Allow it to burn in me more and heal us, Lord, the many of us who have these icky church wounds of rejection and jealousy. In Jesus name, I pray. Love you, Lord. Thank you for being such a great friend, I am truly blessed!