Little Pink...Until We Meet Again... Please, Forgive Me

October 27, 2024

Hello to anyone who happens upon this message.. I send my love to you. I pray this reaches the right ears. This is my abortion story…

It was 13 years ago. I had been feeling so nauseous and exhausted for about a month, but honestly didn't think I could possibly be pregnant.

That's a warning, by the way for any women listening to this— if you think you can't get pregnant right after your period ends that month.. you absolutely can, that's how I got pregnant. When I researched it afterward, I discovered this is also how many other women suddenly found themselves expecting too—so do be careful.  

I just thought I had a virus or something. The doctor was going to have me tested for Lymes disease but then asked if I could be pregnant. I answered that although it was technically possible (that I was in a relationship at that time that was sexually active), I highly doubted I was. 

I bought a pregnancy test, really to just eliminate being pregnant from the list—so I could go back to the doctors and be like: "See? Told you I'm not pregnant, now please give me some more tests and find out what the heck is wrong with me!" Imagine my shock and disbelief then, as I sat on my bathroom floor watching those two lines show up on the test confirming that I was indeed, pregnant.

I literally could not believe it… I sat there in complete shock. It didn't feel real...but it was. I'd always said I didn't want children. I'd always said if I ever got pregnant I wouldn't keep it. Don't get me wrong, I love children, I'm good with kids and they always seem to really like me —I just never wanted to actually have one of my own. I'm not sure why… It just wasn't something I ever desired. It didn't feel like the 'right' time. My mental health wasn't good at the time, I was quite depressed. I didn't have much money, and it all just felt way too overwhelming. 

I knew my boyfriend didn't want children either, so when I called to tell him I was pregnant, it just seemed like the natural, 'obvious' choice that we wouldn't keep it. And so, we decided that whilst it was a really sad and terrible thing, as neither of us wanted children, and it didn't feel like the 'right time', that I would have an abortion. 

I went back to the doctor and told her I was pregnant. I made it clear I didn't want children, so she immediately went ahead and booked me an appointment with the hospital for an abortion the next week (or a "termination of pregnancy" as they put it, to make it sound less gruesome I guess.) I noticed that no one at the doctor's surgery or at the hospital ever used the word 'abortion'. 

I felt in a daze, just going through the motions. No one at the hospital spoke to me about 'other options', like adoption. It was never mentioned. I agonized over it that whole week.. It is not a decision I made lightly at all. I know it sounds ridiculous to say, considering what I did, but I honestly did feel love for the baby growing inside me.. I just really didn't feel ready to have children and neither did my then partner. 

I cried every day leading up to it. It just all happened so fast. I went to the hospital, and they gave me an ultrasound scan to make sure I was actually pregnant. I thought I couldn't possibly be more than 4 weeks. So, I about fainted when she said: "You look about 9 weeks along, is that around what you were thinking, yes?" No! No, it wasn't... That made me feel worse than I already did... I remember reading online that the heart starts beating around 5 weeks. And I really, really, wanted to have the procedure done BEFORE its heart was formed. Because then it wasn't really truly 'alive' I reasoned with myself (obviously I was wrong.. life starts at the moment of conception.) But now she's telling me I'm more than 2 months pregnant... Oh no...

I remember the nurse being shocked when during the scan, I asked her to turn the screen around so I could see. She said no one asks to see, no one wants to see - was I really sure? I said yes. She said I might regret looking, but I said I wouldn't. I'd already thought long and hard about it. I had asked myself: Which would I regret more in the future? Looking at an ultrasound scan, or not looking? I decided I would regret it more if I didn't look. 

I knew I wasn't planning on having children in the future, so would likely never have this opportunity again, so I wanted to look. I know it will probably sound really strange to most people, but even though I had decided I couldn't keep the baby at that time, I truly did still feel love for him or her, and I wanted to see them on the screen. 

The nurse could see how determined I was, so she let me look. I sat there, still in a bit of a daze, and watched the screen—not knowing how I would feel—if I would freak out, scream, cry, or what. I felt really emotional. My eyes watered a little, but I held it together. I suppose it sounds strange, but in the moment, I was just really fascinated and interested in seeing my baby on the screen. 

I was really surprised at how much it was moving and wiggling around… and by the fact that it had clearly visible fingers and toes... They tell you, "It's just a clump of cells..." Don't believe them. I'm here to tell you from personal experience, that is a complete and utter lie. It was tiny and obviously not fully formed, but it had a head, arms, legs, fingers, toes and a beating heart. 

I remember there was briefly a little pink 'glow', like a soft pink light coming from one part of the baby. That made me feel really emotional... I don't know what that light was—if it was the heart, part of its soul, or something else. But I always remember that little soft pink glowing light. I nicknamed the baby "Little Pink" because of it. I always felt like it was a girl but I'm not sure. I asked for a print-out of the scan to keep and again, the nurse was very surprised and confused but granted my request. 

I remember being at home, staring at the scan picture, crying my eyes out. I knew it was a terrible thing to do, but I was just in a daze. It all happens so fast. "Oh, you don't want children? Ok, we'll book you in next week to 'take care' of that then." All these doctors and nurses are acting like it's a perfectly fine, normal thing to do. 

The only people who knew about it were my boyfriend and my Mother, and they were also both telling me "It's sad but it's for 'the best". I am not blaming them at all. It was 100% still my decision. But, well…when your loved ones are telling you it's for 'the best' and all the medical professionals are acting like it's all fine, and perfectly normal, and booking the appointment for you, it does make it harder to change your mind. 

For the rest of the week until the procedure I cried a lot. I felt SO guilty.. And just so you know... that guilt NEVER goes away. I still feel it now, over a decade later. If anything, I feel even more guilt now. Because back then, I wasn't a Christian. I believed in God but hadn't accepted Jesus. I didn't realize that abortion is akin to a satanic sacrifice... But think about it... back in Biblical times, the devil managed to convince some people to sacrifice their children to false demonic gods like Moloch and Baal. Now he convinces people to willingly sacrifice their children themselves before they're even born. 

The satanic temples are even creating their own abortion clinics now. And I have heard from a former Satanic High Priest, that Satanic Priests sometimes even perform the abortions at abortion clinics.. There's a video I saw years later that confirmed this, of an abortionist outside a clinic talking to a Christian man. A demon starts talking out of the abortionist, saying that it loves killing babies... It was shocking. So, I fully believe that whilst not all abortionists are satanists performing rituals—some of them definitely are. 

I also believed in reincarnation at the time. So, I thought the baby could come just come back and be reborn to another family who wanted children. Or come back to me later if I ever decided I wanted children. I now know reincarnation is NOT true. We actually have a couple of messages from Jesus about that topic. Reincarnation is definitely not true, so please don't fall for that lie. 

I remember being so confused and quite angry with God... I couldn't understand why He would send me a child when I didn't want one. When I'd always said if I got pregnant, that I wouldn't keep it. I still don't fully understand if I'm being completely honest, but I know that He had His reasons. I also know now that it was a precious gift from Heaven... as all children are meant to be. I know now that if I'd kept the baby, the Lord would have been with me, He would have helped me. But at the time, I didn't know that... I didn't know Him then. And I just felt too overwhelmed and afraid. 

In the days before the abortion, I prayed that God would just take the baby back to Heaven. That I would just have a miscarriage, so I wouldn't have to go through with this horrible procedure, that it would just go 'naturally'. But alas, that didn't happen. 

So instead, I prayed to God and asked him to take the baby's soul back to Heaven before the procedure started. I begged Him not to let the baby feel any pain. They tell you it doesn't feel anything - but how could it not? It's literally ripped apart limb from limb and has its head crushed.. I know, it's utterly horrific to think about, but that is what happens. So, I begged God to take the baby's soul back to Heaven before the operation began. 

The night before, I fell asleep with my hand on my womb, crying. I remember speaking to the baby, hoping it could hear me, could understand me.. "I'm so sorry.. I just don't feel like I can keep you right now. You'll just go back to Heaven and then you can come back to Earth another time.. Please forgive me. I love you...." 

I barely slept. The next day I was just on autopilot. I got to the hospital and had to wait in a room for hours. My boyfriend was with me, but in the end, I asked him to leave because I just wanted to be alone. I believe God honoured my prayer request, because something, or rather, someone, was in that room with me. I remember I suddenly started feeling a sense of peace and calm. It made no sense, because I was feeling the opposite of that just moments before. I think now it was either an Angel, or Jesus Himself, there to bring the baby's soul back to Heaven. I didn't see anyone, but I felt a calming presence right up until they put me to sleep. 

I woke up to a nurse saying my name. As I came to in the recovery room, with my eyes closed, still half asleep, I remember my first thought: "Ow my throat really hurts... Why does my throat hurt so much?" Then I realized, as the nurse started to pull a tube up my throat and out my mouth.

As I opened my eyes, I told her "My throat really hurts.." Then I suddenly remembered everything - I grabbed hold of the nurses arm and asked: "Is it... over?" She said yes. Then I burst into tears. And then I cried every day for almost an entire year. Every time I would see a baby or a young child in real life, I would have to fight back tears. Every time I saw a baby on a TV show I'd feel guilty and upset. Even a diaper commercial would make me cry.. 

As I said before, I always felt like I was pregnant with a girl. And even now, 13 years later, when I see a Mother or Father with a little girl, playing with them, or holding them; I tear up and feel a sense of loss. I always wonder what they would have looked like, what their personality would have been like. What fun we would have had playing together, what little cute and funny things they would have said that would of made me laugh. Would she have my sense of humor? My eyes? What would her likes and dislikes be? I wonder what her favorite colour would have been.. I really do feel a sense of loss. 

Also, it absolutely terrifies me to think that had I died before I accepted Jesus, I would have been guilty of the sin of murder.. and could of sent myself to hell for an eternity because of it. I might not have been the one who physically did it but I was still responsible. I asked them to do it. I signed the consent form. They would still be alive if it wasn't for me... So, I am responsible. I'm so glad I have Jesus now, and that I was able to repent. It doesn't take away the guilt or sense of loss though. 

So, if you're considering an abortion, take it from someone who has had one - you will feel guilty forever. And you will feel a sense of loss forever. And you never know how your circumstances might change. At the time, I had a big group of friends, a relationship and a good social life. Where I am in my life now - that group of friends are gone, that relationship is gone, and I don't have a good social life anymore. I'm quite isolated and alone most of the time. And I can't help but think sometimes that it would be quite nice to have my child here, to have a little companion with me.. And that makes me cry. 

I light a candle for my baby every year on the anniversary of their death. I sit and talk to them and weep, and apologize all over again. I have done this every year for 13 years. And will continue to do it every year, until God calls me home and I can finally hold my child in my arms, look into their eyes, and apologize to them again, face to face. 

I love and miss you, Little Pink... Until we meet again... please, forgive me...

Choose life