Scared to Say Yes

Lord, I come before you so full of self, self-love, empty of perseverance, courage, and even goodwill. I feel so weary Lord and want to take a break from jumping from one fire into another, into another fire. I feel I am bracing myself for impact rather than being led through green pastures. I am sorry Lord, please help me—strengthen my heart, and restore my desire to do your will again.

Family, on the mountain I received four crowns, all on different days. I definitely was in the fire—as each crown was given something would happen the following day—bad news or pain in my body. He kept playing songs like “Surrender”, and Michael John Talbot’s, “Pass Through My Will”. Now, when Holy Spirit plays that song, my heart leaps with anxiety because it always means a fiery trial. I didn’t like the place I was in.

Then, upon coming to Ghana from my trip, He played another song called “Yes”. I immediately paused the song as my heart leaped to my throat because when He plays songs about saying ‘Yes’, again it’s a forewarning of another trial coming, and He is asking me to say ‘Yes’ to His will. I fast-forwarded the song guys, thinking I could somehow dodge that one. Then, dealing with some hard, personal situations I just broke down crying as I told the Lord, ‘…honestly, I am scared to say, yes, Lord. I’m not sure I can take any more.’

I hadn’t really connected with the Lord as I had wanted to on the trip because I was being used to counsel and encourage many. I was being pulled and couldn’t get the prayer time I wanted plus dealing with my various trials. So when I returned home, I pulled the Rhema—cringing, sure the Lord would be upset with me. But He gave me wonderful Rhemas—but did admonish me with one that said: “Love the Lord Your God with All your heart”. I knew it was about the trials and saying ‘Yes’ to Jesus again.

If I could be honest, I was in fear of another contradiction, another painful trial that would cause heartbreak. The Lord had given me a Rhema before I left for the refuge that said, you will conquer this mountain, do not fear. There was a huge mountain in the background of the Rhema card. So, I thought He was going to take care of my fears, meaning that I should just have faith. What I am fearing will not come to pass, and I am going to conquer this once and for all. However, I found myself with a crown, and full of tears as Father Ezekiel really ministered to me and I asked him what did that Rhema card mean then? I was frustrated and again resentful at another contradiction, wondering how I could trust the Lord’s words. He told me not to fear but yet what I feared happened. Where do I go from there?

Papa said, many times, when Jesus tells us not to fear it’s not because He is going to intervene or even take what you fear away but rather the Lord will use that situation to change you for the better and not necessarily the situation changing. So, that’s why He asks us not to fear—we would no longer be conquered by that fear but transformed by it—and that is how sometimes the Lord has you conquer it.

That is why He says don’t fear, this will work out for your good. I thought, huh, I never saw it that way. I always presumed when He said not to fear that it meant He was going to handle the situation and take it away.

I see, this Is the answer to those who say I prayed for this person to be healed and they died, or I prayed for my family, my job, I prayed for this situation the Lord told me not to worry, not to fear and yet it even got worse, or what I feared happened, my prayer wasn’t answered why Lord?

This was some new insight and I apologized to Jesus for being upset but I was still struggling with my heart. Very shaky and fearful of saying yes again because it felt like fires on every side.

And now I was empty—rather wanting to retreat, rest, and have my heart healed a bit. But it’s clear that’s not what Jesus wanted.

So, I found myself working on a project today—late at night—when an intercessor reached out and said that I needed to get a message. I thought, wow! He said yeah, I needed to be with Jesus to hear from him right now.

So I do want to apologize, family, on the channel. I know you guys have been blessed by the many messages from Sister Jahnavi and Mother Therese on the channel, but I’m going to try my best to be more diligent. So you guys will hear from me more often. But the reason, was for this mission trip I was on, or my trip, I wasn’t able to get messages. So, back to the message here…

It was very random, and I knew it was the Lord calling me back to his feet to listen and not hurriedly run off to do things. And here I’m talking about my intercessor reaching out to me telling me that I needed to get a message right now, from Jesus.

So, I immediately went into adoration, kind of nervous and feeling insecure really in hearing from the Lord.

I simply said, Lord, I’m scared to say yes.

Immediately Jesus began,

“It’s because you do not trust in My goodness,”

As an aside, family, the cross of contradiction is hard because after a trial I battle with my thoughts—and then distance myself from Jesus feeling like He is no longer a safe place—trustworthy with His promise. I know it’s a lie, but the feelings are so real and hard to battle and scared of getting hurt, scared of suffering if I can be honest.

Jesus went on,

“You know when you came home you were looking forward to being embraced by your beloved, held closely to his heart, and just staying there to reconnect, to feel close and secure because you missed him. In marriage, he has failures and weaknesses, and you both have even hurt one another at different times with offense yet you still desire to run to him and be held by him, you still find him safe.

“Yet you have lost sight of My faithfulness, My unconditional love, My perfect consistency, My trustworthiness, and My goodness. Even when it’s painful and you don’t understand what I allow I am still so much better than you think. Your embrace with your beloved brings healing, security, and closeness. What do you think My embrace would do to you, My little one? Don’t run from Me, do not turn from Me, but come. You can trust My heart when you can’t seem to trust My hand working in your life.

Jesus had his arms wide open, his eyes big full of hope, and teared-eyed.

“Trust Me…”

I hesitated—I know guys, just struggling—then I closed my eyes and walked towards Jesus and embraced him.

I could feel his warm tears down my shoulder and his chin tucked under my neck. I could feel myself getting lost in his embrace. How I had missed Him and still had the ache in my heart as I said,

Jesus, I trust in you Jesus I trust in you Jesus I trust in you. Please help me to love you more. I’m sorry.

We didn’t have to exchange words He just responded by holding me tighter.

I say ‘yes’, Lord.

He held me even tighter holding the nape of my neck gently but firmly with so much love.

He pulled away—then just gazed at me as he cupped my face in His hands. I felt I could see him so clearly His eyes were piercing blue just gazing upon me then He kissed me on my forehead and said,

“Everything will be all right. I will continue to give you the grace to do My will and pass through each fire unscathed, unharmed, and not hardened.”

I nodded—’I believe, Lord, help my unbelief.’

Jesus continued

“Many of My brides are feeling the same way that you do, My little one. Many have been in rough waters and terrains in their boats and now they are scared to come out to walk on the waves with Me. They fear the storm, they fear My will, they fear suffering and trials. They fear giving me their ‘Yes’ again. What I am needing is unconditional trust, My brides. Do not lose your way drowning in selfishness and self-pity. I use these strong words because selfishness is what causes you to say, ‘Enough no more and no further’. It causes you to guard your heart and not give Me all of your life because you want to keep a little for yourself—or an area of your life for yourself—because it’s too painful, too messy, too touchy, or too valuable to you to let go. You fall into self-pity as you compare yourself to others and the demands I ask of you, not realizing what blessing you have—that I ask of you so much because that means I have intended to give you so much in return for all that you give Me.

“My brides, I am not asleep in your boat. I am, rather, waiting, watching, and praying for you that you would have faith to believe through each storm—that you would grow into the beautiful mature bride who knows her spouse, loves her spouse, and is so confident in My ability to do the impossible when things look impossible. You would rather lie next to Me in the boat in the middle of the storm tucked away in My embrace as we ride it out together”.

Wow, that is beautiful, Lord. I envisioned myself as His bride on my boat and the disciples doing that when the boat was about to capsize. If they had just laid and rested right next to Jesus rather than getting anxious and fearful, that would have been something.

Now when He got into a boat, His disciples followed Him. And suddenly a great tempest arose on the sea so that the boat was covered with the waves. But He was asleep. Then His disciples came to Him and woke Him, saying, “Lord, save us! We are perishing!” But He said to them, “Why are you fearful, O you of little faith?” Then He arose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm. So, the men marvelled, saying, “Who can this be, that even the winds and the sea obey Him?” — Matthew 8:23-27

Lord, could you really get us to that place? Where we don’t recoil or fear suffering but are so at peace with whatever You permit and allow.

“Yes, I am able to get every soul there if you give Me the permission and cooperate with My grace. You will lose yourself in Me. You will lose your life and in losing it you will find it in Me. Having My faith, My resolution, My perseverance, and My resilience to always do the Father’s will. That is how the saints lived, some more than most. That is the degree I am calling you to and all My brides who will continue to climb this mountain and conquer themselves instead.

Lord, does it get easier?

“Yes, you are not who you were a year ago, even 6 months ago. With each step of obedience in saying “Yes” to My will you grow leaps and bounds with graces, virtue, and in maturity. You will acquire wisdom as well. Wisdom in knowing My ways and understanding My nature. That part gets easier, but suffering is never easy, it is work and your light and momentary suffering is far outweighed by the eternal reward that you will receive here in this lifetime and in the next. So, it still doesn’t compare. I am here to help you, My brides, to walk the road of Calvary with Me. To not just pick up your cross but to be nailed to it with great joy knowing that you have been counted worthy to suffer with Me and so will be counted worthy to be gloried with Me. Continue to endure, My lovely brides, you are a beauty to behold— there will be joy in the morning.

That was the end of Jesus’ message.

Family, please continue to pray for me for strength and courage. I could really use it. And, thanks to those who continue to donate, it really helps us so much right now. We are really, really in need of donations. God bless you, family, until the next message.